August Deveraux III, Inventor of iPimp
While clothes might make the man, the hat speaks for itself. Bella Abzug, John Wayne, Jacquelin Kennedy, Charles DeGaulle, Queen Elizabeth, Minnie Pearl and of course, the Cat in the Hat. But more important than the hat is the brain it protects.
And this is the the brain of a great man. A proud man. A man who Alfred Knobel once described as “indescribable.” If Mt. Rushmore could accommodate one more head, his would be there, surveying the great country that inspired his greatness. That man is none other than August Deveraux III, inventor, role-model, and two-time award winner.
The son of French-Canadian refugees, August has not always lived the charmed life he now enjoys. “During the great Maple Syrup famine of 1960, mama and papa escaped Canada by swimming against the icy winter currents of Lake Eerie. Half way into their journey they realized they had forgotten me and had to swim back.
Papa was quite a craftsman, and fashioned a basket of reeds so that I could float to our new home. We finally washed up in Phoenix, where we spent the week in thaw, and then found our way to the midwest where we settled down.”
Early on it was clear that August possessed a penchant for invention. “My first invention was the bobby pin, named for a childhood friend who unfortunately didn’t survive the crossing of Lake Erie when his reed basket struck a small ice berg.” August recalls, wiping a tear from his eye. “This was my foray into invention, and many terrific patents were to follow, including wall-to-wall carpeting, the dead-bolt, and the steak knife. As for the Viking Space Craft, I can’t really take full credit for that.”
Over the years August watched with great interest as technology became an integral part of the American lifestyle. Cell phones. Personal computers. Expresso machines. Egg Timers. August began to have the inkling of an idea. “Back in college, I took an internship at the Haystack Bordello in downtown Tacoma, operating their PBX. Having seen my creative side, the pimp in charge of the bordello offered me a position
as head of marketing which basically mean't I ran the mimeograph machine. This experience gave me great insight into how modern technology and world’s oldest profession might work together.”
August meditated on this insight for many years, waiting for technology to catch up to his vision. While vacationing in Barstow he propositioned a young lady for a night of fun and frivolity. She declined in favor of man in a track suit with smart shoes and a pda at his hip. It hit August like a ton of bricks. “What if technology could help me avoid the embarrassment of rejection by successfully hooking me up with the right party?” And so iPimp was born.
Since that fateful night, iPimp has grown into a multi-million dollar venture employing several people worldwide, and garnering much acclaim and even an award or two. “I never thought I would be referred to a two-time award winner,” August states. “Perhaps I should clarify, that I have not actually won two awards, rather, I’ve received the highly coveted Two Time Award from the Two Time Institute of America. Two timers everywhere unanimously voted iPimp its product of the year. Considering how busy it is to be a two timer, I was honored that they even bothered to take the time to vote.”
So what does the man beneath the hat say now that his life is on the path to fame and prosperity thanks to iPimp? “I’d never hook with out it.”